Booty (September 27, 2016)

The Littles had been put to bed for twenty minutes. All was peaceful and then…

T: (something that can’t be heard from downstairs)
E: Yes? (said sadly because he had just reclined for the evening)
T: (something barely audible)
E: What is the problem? (sadly climbing the stairs so he can actually hear)
T: I need you to come here for a second.
E: Why?
T: Remember when my butt was itching?
E: Yes (said in an effort to draw the conversation to a conclusion as quickly as possible)
T: My butt was itching.
E: Is your bottom (searching for a more pleasant word) itching now?
T: No. Remember a long, long time ago my booty was itching and it was because I had a mosquito bite.
E: Excellent.
(Silence as the two just look at each other)
E: Why are you telling me this now?
T: Because I wanted you to know.
V: (snickers)


Goodnight (July 21, 2016)

V: Papa, I love you, but don’t forget that I want waffles in the morning.
E: I know. I remember. You already told me.
V: I know, but sometimes I forget, so I wanted to make sure YOU remember.

Making A Statement (June 28, 2016)

T: Here’s a question: When we’re with Papa, Papa’s in charge. When we’re with Mama, Mama’s in charge.
V: You keep saying “question” but you are making a compliment.
E: She is making a statement.
V: Oh yeah, a statement. You are making a statement.
T: Yeah, a statement.
V: A question has “why” in it. Like “Why, Papa?” or “Do you have the earrings?”.
T: Here’s a statement: I hate the rain because it messes up my outfit.

Love (May 6, 2016)

T: Papa, you don’t love me anymore.
E: I love you, Sweetie.
V: He called you Sweetie.
T: Yeah, that’s good. But he said he doesn’t love me.
E: I did not say that.
T: Yes, you did.
E: No, what I said was “Stop whining.”
T: That’s what I’m talking about.
E: I love you so much that I don’t want you to grow up to be a whiner.
T: Oh.

Perfect Attendance (April 1, 2016)

If ever there was a question about the appropriate way to dress when you receive a perfect attendance award (also known as the “staying in the building once your parents have dropped you off for school award”), that question has been answered.

Red Beans and Rice (March 9, 2016)

V: Papa, what’s for dinner?
E: Food.
V: What kind of food?
E: The kind you eat.
V: Papa!!!
E: Red beans and rice.
V: I love red beans and rice.
T: What’s for breakfast?
E: Do you mean dinner?
T: Oh, yeah, what’s for dinner?
E: What did I say?
T: I love red beans and rice.
E: I know.
V: Red beans and rice is just like cake!
E: Are just like cake.
V: I always say, “Red beans and rice and cake are the same!”
E: How?
V: I love them both.
(small pause in the action)
V: Papa, my stomach hurts?
E: Why does your stomach hurt?
V: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
T: Papa, my stomach hurts, too.
E: Why?
T: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
E: Good Lord.

Lyrics (February 8, 2016)

V: I am red?
E: Ummmm…no.
V: Am I orange?
E: No…
V: What am I then?
E: You’re tan.
V: That’s not in the song.
E: What song?
V: Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus love the little children of the world.
E: You’re right.
V: You’re a brown one.
E: That I am.
V: Tan and yellow, brown and white they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Name Game (September 17, 2015)

V: I have a new name. My name is not Vivian any more.
E: What’s your new name?
V: Guess.
E: Alligator head.
V: That’s not a name.
E: Yes, it is.
V: Nobody has that name.
E: How do you know?
V: Because I have not heard of that name.
E: You have not been around that long, you don’t know all the names.
V: It doesn’t make sense, how can somebody be part human and part alligator?
E: Are you a scientist?
(E feels pretty sure he has won round one of this important debate as there is a significant pause in the action)
E: Are you going to tell me what your new name is?
V: You have to guess a few more names.
E: Monkey face.
V: No.
E: Giraffe lips.
V: It’s not an animal name.
E: What is it?
V: Mavis.
E: Mavis?
V: Yes, and I’m a vampire.
E: Mavis the Vampire?
V: Yes.
(and not to be out done…)
T: And I am Shark the Bad Guy.

Cheetah (August 17, 2015)

V: Papa, Tabitha bit me.
E: If she bit you, you would be screaming, not talking.
V: No, she did, it was a little, but I felt it.
E: Tabitha, don’t bite your sister.
T: I didn’t bite her.
V: Yes, she did.
E: Tabitha…
T: I was only pretending to bite her…because I am a cheetah.
E: Okay, let’s not pretend to bite your sister (trying to ignore the whole “cheetah” premise).
T: But I’m a mad cheetah.
E: Then be a happy cheetah.
T: I don’t want to be a happy cheetah.
E: I think cheetahs are happy animals.
V: Unless people bother them.

Mortality (August 14, 2015)

V: Me and Tabitha will be the last ones to die.
E: Tabitha and I…
V: Tabitha and I will be the last ones to die.
E: That is probably true.
V: Unless we get squished by a car.
E2: You’re not going to get squished by a car.
T: Because then we would be DEEEAAAAD!
(parents look at each other)
E: Can we just finish our pizza?

Dinner (July 22, 2015)

V: Tabitha knows when she is going to throw up.
E: What? (traditional and standard response to random statements)
V: Tabitha knows when she is going to throw up.
E: Is Tabitha throwing up?
V: No. She knows when she is going to throw up.
E: Why are you saying this?
V: Something smells like throw up.
E: Maybe she pooped. Tabitha, did you poop? (fearing the potty training had gone awry)
T: No.
(At this point, the father gives the child in question a once over with eyes and nose)
E: She did not poop or throw up.
V: Oh. Maybe it’s dinner.

Boyfriend (June 25, 2015)

V: Papa, I have something to tell you, but I think you will be mad.
E: I won’t be mad. What is it?
V: I have a boyfriend.
E: (Hysterical laughter)
V: Why are you laughing?
E: (Hysterical laughter)
V: It’s not funny or silly.
E: What’s his name?
V: Cort*
E: How do you spell it?
V: I don’t know.
E: If you don’t know how to spell his name, he can’t be your boyfriend.
V: I know it ends with a “t,” but it’s kinda hard because “c” and “k” make the same sound.
E: Does he have a job?
V: No.
E: Why not?
V: Because he’s a kid.
E: Oh.
V: I thought you were going to be mad.
E: Why?
V: Because some people think if you are five, you shouldn’t have a boyfriend.
E: I’m not mad, but I am one of those people.

*I have no idea if that is the correct spelling of my son-in-law’s name.

Mad (June 17, 2015)

T: I’m mad.
E: Why are you mad?
T: Because I am mad at you.
E: Why are you mad at me?
T: Because I am mad at Vivian.
E: Why are you mad at Vivian?
T: I am going to go sit on the pillow.

Traffic (March 6, 2015)

V: What are we in?
E: What are you talking about?
V: What are we in?
E: Asking me the same question is not helping this conversation along.
V: Right now, what are we in?
E: We’re in a car. How do you not know this?
V: No, what is a line of cars called?
E: It’s called a line of cars.
V: No, a lot of cars is called a pack.
E: No, it’s not.
V: Yes, a lot of cars is called a pack.
E: Who told you this?
V: My brain told me.
E: Well, if your brain told you, why did you ask me?
V: Because I forgot and then my brain told me, so I remembered.

Potty (April 6, 2015)

The scene: The ladies have been put to bed for 15 minutes…

T: Papa?
E: Yes?
T: I need to go potty.
E: Okay.
V: Papa.
E: Yes.
V: Tabitha needs to go potty.
E: I heard her.
(T is taken to the potty and then left to tend to her business in the privacy of the bathroom.)
V: Is Tabitha going potty for real?
E: We’ll find out soon enough.
(The sweet sound of a 29-month-old tinkling can be heard in the background.)
E: Tabitha went potty.
V: Can I see it?
E: No.
T: Do you want to see it?
E: No, I’m good.