E: What do you need, dear?
E: You’re just staring at me and smiling?
E: Because I’m cute?
E: Why then?
T: Because you have a bald head and your bald head is cute.
E: Okay, let me see. Do I have everything?
E: Stop Vivian.
Granny: Good Lord.
V: Easter is all about Jesus.
T: What the what? Why didn’t you tell me that? You never told me that!
V: Granny’s church told you.
T: Where’s my “bless you”?
E: Did you sneeze?
T: No, I tooted.
E: Wrong body function.
T: Oh, I forgot.
T: You’re the silliest papa in the whole world.
T: Because you’re bald-headed and awkward.
E: We’ve been over this. If you don’t know what awkward means, you can’t use the word.
T: You’re the baldest, baldest, baldest, baldest papa in the whole wide world.
E: I wouldn’t go that far.
T: Okay, you’re just bald…and awkward.
E: Got it.
T: Remember that time when I was little…
E: (she is currently little) Yes.
T: And I had a dress on…and you probably slicked my hair back.
E: Yes, I probably slicked your hair back (not knowing where this is going).
T: I was cute then.
E: You are cute right now.
V: He said you are cute right now.
T: No, I’m not.
V: Yes, you are.
T: No, I’m not.
E: What are you then?
T: I am awesome.
E: Can’t argue with that.
*Editor’s note: T is both cute AND awesome.
E: Whew! (gasping for air) Tabitha, was that you?
E: Did you toot?
T: Yes. No, I farted.
V: Yeah, I tooted.
E: What’s the difference between tooting and farting.
V: Farting smells.
T: Papa, when I grow up, I am going to get married.
T: You know my friend Duncan? I am going to get married to him.
E: Why do you want to get married?
T: Because I have never been married before.
E: Does Duncan have a job?
T: I don’t know.
E: Does Duncan want to get married to you?
T: I think so.
V: “I think so” isn’t good enough. You have to find out.
E: She makes a good point.
T: Okay, we’ll figure this out after dinner.
The Littles had been put to bed for twenty minutes. All was peaceful and then…
T: (something that can’t be heard from downstairs)
E: Yes? (said sadly because he had just reclined for the evening)
T: (something barely audible)
E: What is the problem? (sadly climbing the stairs so he can actually hear)
T: I need you to come here for a second.
T: Remember when my butt was itching?
E: Yes (said in an effort to draw the conversation to a conclusion as quickly as possible)
T: My butt was itching.
E: Is your bottom (searching for a more pleasant word) itching now?
T: No. Remember a long, long time ago my booty was itching and it was because I had a mosquito bite.
(Silence as the two just look at each other)
E: Why are you telling me this now?
T: Because I wanted you to know.
V: Papa, I love you, but don’t forget that I want waffles in the morning.
E: I know. I remember. You already told me.
V: I know, but sometimes I forget, so I wanted to make sure YOU remember.
T: Here’s a question: When we’re with Papa, Papa’s in charge. When we’re with Mama, Mama’s in charge.
V: You keep saying “question” but you are making a compliment.
E: She is making a statement.
V: Oh yeah, a statement. You are making a statement.
T: Yeah, a statement.
V: A question has “why” in it. Like “Why, Papa?” or “Do you have the earrings?”.
T: Here’s a statement: I hate the rain because it messes up my outfit.
T: Papa, you don’t love me anymore.
E: I love you, Sweetie.
V: He called you Sweetie.
T: Yeah, that’s good. But he said he doesn’t love me.
E: I did not say that.
T: Yes, you did.
E: No, what I said was “Stop whining.”
T: That’s what I’m talking about.
E: I love you so much that I don’t want you to grow up to be a whiner.
If ever there was a question about the appropriate way to dress when you receive a perfect attendance award (also known as the “staying in the building once your parents have dropped you off for school award”), that question has been answered. Definitively.
V: Papa, what’s for dinner?
V: What kind of food?
E: The kind you eat.
E: Red beans and rice.
V: I love red beans and rice.
T: What’s for breakfast?
E: Do you mean dinner?
T: Oh, yeah, what’s for dinner?
E: What did I say?
T: I love red beans and rice.
E: I know.
V: Red beans and rice is just like cake!
E: Are just like cake.
V: I always say, “Red beans and rice and cake are the same!”
V: I love them both.
(small pause in the action)
V: Papa, my stomach hurts?
E: Why does your stomach hurt?
V: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
T: Papa, my stomach hurts, too.
T: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
E: Good Lord.
V: I am red?
V: Am I orange?
V: What am I then?
E: You’re tan.
V: That’s not in the song.
E: What song?
V: Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus love the little children of the world.
E: You’re right.
V: You’re a brown one.
E: That I am.
V: Tan and yellow, brown and white they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.
T: Vivian, buckle yourself in.
V: Tabitha, who’s in charge?
T: Papa’s in charge.
V: That’s right. So why are you telling me what to do?
T: Because it’s funny.
E: (Nearly pees himself laughing)
V: I have a new name. My name is not Vivian any more.
E: What’s your new name?
E: Alligator head.
V: That’s not a name.
E: Yes, it is.
V: Nobody has that name.
E: How do you know?
V: Because I have not heard of that name.
E: You have not been around that long, you don’t know all the names.
V: It doesn’t make sense, how can somebody be part human and part alligator?
E: Are you a scientist?
(E feels pretty sure he has won round one of this important debate as there is a significant pause in the action)
E: Are you going to tell me what your new name is?
V: You have to guess a few more names.
E: Monkey face.
E: Giraffe lips.
V: It’s not an animal name.
E: What is it?
V: Yes, and I’m a vampire.
E: Mavis the Vampire?
(and not to be out done…)
T: And I am Shark the Bad Guy.
V: Papa, Tabitha bit me.
E: If she bit you, you would be screaming, not talking.
V: No, she did, it was a little, but I felt it.
E: Tabitha, don’t bite your sister.
T: I didn’t bite her.
V: Yes, she did.
T: I was only pretending to bite her…because I am a cheetah.
E: Okay, let’s not pretend to bite your sister (trying to ignore the whole “cheetah” premise).
T: But I’m a mad cheetah.
E: Then be a happy cheetah.
T: I don’t want to be a happy cheetah.
E: I think cheetahs are happy animals.
V: Unless people bother them.
V: Me and Tabitha will be the last ones to die.
E: Tabitha and I…
V: Tabitha and I will be the last ones to die.
E: That is probably true.
V: Unless we get squished by a car.
E2: You’re not going to get squished by a car.
T: Because then we would be DEEEAAAAD!
(parents look at each other)
E: Can we just finish our pizza?