Cute (November 21, 2017)

E: What do you need, dear?
T: Nothing.
E: You’re just staring at me and smiling?
T: Yes.
E: Because I’m cute?
T: No.
E: Why then?
T: Because you have a bald head and your bald head is cute.
E: Fair.


Silly (January 17, 2017)

T: You’re the silliest papa in the whole world.
E: Why?
T: Because you’re bald-headed and awkward.
E: We’ve been over this. If you don’t know what awkward means, you can’t use the word.
T: You’re the baldest, baldest, baldest, baldest papa in the whole wide world.
E: I wouldn’t go that far.
T: Okay, you’re just bald…and awkward.
E: Got it.

Cute vs. Awesome (January 12, 2017)

T: Remember that time when I was little…
E: (she is currently little) Yes.
T: And I had a dress on…and you probably slicked my hair back.
E: Yes, I probably slicked your hair back (not knowing where this is going).
T: I was cute then.
E: You are cute right now.
T: What?
V: He said you are cute right now.
T: No, I’m not.
V: Yes, you are.
T: No, I’m not.
E: What are you then?
T: I am awesome.
E: Can’t argue with that.

*Editor’s note: T is both cute AND awesome.

Marriage (November 17, 2016)

T: Papa, when I grow up, I am going to get married.
E: Okay.
T: You know my friend Duncan? I am going to get married to him.
E: Why do you want to get married?
T: Because I have never been married before.
E: Does Duncan have a job?
T: I don’t know.
E: Does Duncan want to get married to you?
T: I think so.
V: “I think so” isn’t good enough. You have to find out.
E: She makes a good point.
T: Okay, we’ll figure this out after dinner.

Booty (September 27, 2016)

The Littles had been put to bed for twenty minutes. All was peaceful and then…

T: (something that can’t be heard from downstairs)
E: Yes? (said sadly because he had just reclined for the evening)
T: (something barely audible)
E: What is the problem? (sadly climbing the stairs so he can actually hear)
T: I need you to come here for a second.
E: Why?
T: Remember when my butt was itching?
E: Yes (said in an effort to draw the conversation to a conclusion as quickly as possible)
T: My butt was itching.
E: Is your bottom (searching for a more pleasant word) itching now?
T: No. Remember a long, long time ago my booty was itching and it was because I had a mosquito bite.
E: Excellent.
(Silence as the two just look at each other)
E: Why are you telling me this now?
T: Because I wanted you to know.
V: (snickers)

Goodnight (July 21, 2016)

V: Papa, I love you, but don’t forget that I want waffles in the morning.
E: I know. I remember. You already told me.
V: I know, but sometimes I forget, so I wanted to make sure YOU remember.

Making A Statement (June 28, 2016)

T: Here’s a question: When we’re with Papa, Papa’s in charge. When we’re with Mama, Mama’s in charge.
V: You keep saying “question” but you are making a compliment.
E: She is making a statement.
V: Oh yeah, a statement. You are making a statement.
T: Yeah, a statement.
V: A question has “why” in it. Like “Why, Papa?” or “Do you have the earrings?”.
T: Here’s a statement: I hate the rain because it messes up my outfit.

Love (May 6, 2016)

T: Papa, you don’t love me anymore.
E: I love you, Sweetie.
V: He called you Sweetie.
T: Yeah, that’s good. But he said he doesn’t love me.
E: I did not say that.
T: Yes, you did.
E: No, what I said was “Stop whining.”
T: That’s what I’m talking about.
E: I love you so much that I don’t want you to grow up to be a whiner.
T: Oh.

Perfect Attendance (April 1, 2016)

If ever there was a question about the appropriate way to dress when you receive a perfect attendance award (also known as the “staying in the building once your parents have dropped you off for school award”), that question has been answered.

Red Beans and Rice (March 9, 2016)

V: Papa, what’s for dinner?
E: Food.
V: What kind of food?
E: The kind you eat.
V: Papa!!!
E: Red beans and rice.
V: I love red beans and rice.
T: What’s for breakfast?
E: Do you mean dinner?
T: Oh, yeah, what’s for dinner?
E: What did I say?
T: I love red beans and rice.
E: I know.
V: Red beans and rice is just like cake!
E: Are just like cake.
V: I always say, “Red beans and rice and cake are the same!”
E: How?
V: I love them both.
(small pause in the action)
V: Papa, my stomach hurts?
E: Why does your stomach hurt?
V: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
T: Papa, my stomach hurts, too.
E: Why?
T: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
E: Good Lord.

Lyrics (February 8, 2016)

V: I am red?
E: Ummmm…no.
V: Am I orange?
E: No…
V: What am I then?
E: You’re tan.
V: That’s not in the song.
E: What song?
V: Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus love the little children of the world.
E: You’re right.
V: You’re a brown one.
E: That I am.
V: Tan and yellow, brown and white they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Name Game (September 17, 2015)

V: I have a new name. My name is not Vivian any more.
E: What’s your new name?
V: Guess.
E: Alligator head.
V: That’s not a name.
E: Yes, it is.
V: Nobody has that name.
E: How do you know?
V: Because I have not heard of that name.
E: You have not been around that long, you don’t know all the names.
V: It doesn’t make sense, how can somebody be part human and part alligator?
E: Are you a scientist?
(E feels pretty sure he has won round one of this important debate as there is a significant pause in the action)
E: Are you going to tell me what your new name is?
V: You have to guess a few more names.
E: Monkey face.
V: No.
E: Giraffe lips.
V: It’s not an animal name.
E: What is it?
V: Mavis.
E: Mavis?
V: Yes, and I’m a vampire.
E: Mavis the Vampire?
V: Yes.
(and not to be out done…)
T: And I am Shark the Bad Guy.

Cheetah (August 17, 2015)

V: Papa, Tabitha bit me.
E: If she bit you, you would be screaming, not talking.
V: No, she did, it was a little, but I felt it.
E: Tabitha, don’t bite your sister.
T: I didn’t bite her.
V: Yes, she did.
E: Tabitha…
T: I was only pretending to bite her…because I am a cheetah.
E: Okay, let’s not pretend to bite your sister (trying to ignore the whole “cheetah” premise).
T: But I’m a mad cheetah.
E: Then be a happy cheetah.
T: I don’t want to be a happy cheetah.
E: I think cheetahs are happy animals.
V: Unless people bother them.

Mortality (August 14, 2015)

V: Me and Tabitha will be the last ones to die.
E: Tabitha and I…
V: Tabitha and I will be the last ones to die.
E: That is probably true.
V: Unless we get squished by a car.
E2: You’re not going to get squished by a car.
T: Because then we would be DEEEAAAAD!
(parents look at each other)
E: Can we just finish our pizza?