Braids (January 27, 2019)

V: Papa, I didn’t know you knew how to braid hair.
E: I know how to do a lot of stuff.
V: You probably know how because you are Granny’s son.
T: Yeah, you probably got it from her milk.
V: That’s yuck!
T: That’s not yuck, Vivian, that’s life!
E: I’m going to finish my dinner now…


The Point (Saturday, June 30, 2018)

T: Papa, did you know your belly button can eat things?
E: No, but I don’t think that’s true.
T: It is.
E: How do you know this?
T: Because I put some rice in my belly button and after a while it was gone.
E: I am pretty sure it’s because it fell out (now looking at the navel for food).
T: If you don’t believe that belly buttons can eat, then you don’t believe in me.
E: Oh, I believe in you. I believe you are silly.
T: That was not the point of this conversation.
E: Oh.

Ketchup and the Queen (March 25, 2018)

T: Papa, does the queen eat ketchup?
E: I don’t know, I’ll have to google that.
T: I don’t think she does, because she’s a proper lady.
E: Proper ladies don’t eat ketchup?
T: No. I don’t want to be a proper lady.
E: I think that’s just an excuse to talk with your mouth full of food.
T: I don’t want to be a proper lady because I want to live in the woods.
E: Good luck getting ketchup in the woods.

Pretty (January 20, 2018)

(This takes place while flossing the heirs’ teeth.)

V: Why do you make that face?
E: What face?
V: The face when you do that (flossing).
E: I don’t know, it’s just my face.
T: It’s not your pretty face.
V: You mean it’s not his handsome face.
T: I was going to say that, but he’s not a prince.
V: But he’s a boy, boys are handsome.
T: I don’t think he’s handsome, I think he’s pretty.
E: Just rinse.

Poop (November 26, 2017)

V: I pooped the peanuts out.
E: The peanuts you ate yesterday?
V: Yeah.
E: You probably need to chew your food better if you can recognize it after pooping.
V: Yeah.
E: You probably pooped out the corn you ate yesterday, too.
V: Yeah.
E: Good talk.

Cute (November 21, 2017)

E: What do you need, dear?
T: Nothing.
E: You’re just staring at me and smiling?
T: Yes.
E: Because I’m cute?
T: No.
E: Why then?
T: Because you have a bald head and your bald head is cute.
E: Fair.

Silly (January 17, 2017)

T: You’re the silliest papa in the whole world.
E: Why?
T: Because you’re bald-headed and awkward.
E: We’ve been over this. If you don’t know what awkward means, you can’t use the word.
T: You’re the baldest, baldest, baldest, baldest papa in the whole wide world.
E: I wouldn’t go that far.
T: Okay, you’re just bald…and awkward.
E: Got it.

Cute vs. Awesome (January 12, 2017)

T: Remember that time when I was little…
E: (she is currently little) Yes.
T: And I had a dress on…and you probably slicked my hair back.
E: Yes, I probably slicked your hair back (not knowing where this is going).
T: I was cute then.
E: You are cute right now.
T: What?
V: He said you are cute right now.
T: No, I’m not.
V: Yes, you are.
T: No, I’m not.
E: What are you then?
T: I am awesome.
E: Can’t argue with that.

*Editor’s note: T is both cute AND awesome.

Marriage (November 17, 2016)

T: Papa, when I grow up, I am going to get married.
E: Okay.
T: You know my friend Duncan? I am going to get married to him.
E: Why do you want to get married?
T: Because I have never been married before.
E: Does Duncan have a job?
T: I don’t know.
E: Does Duncan want to get married to you?
T: I think so.
V: “I think so” isn’t good enough. You have to find out.
E: She makes a good point.
T: Okay, we’ll figure this out after dinner.

Booty (September 27, 2016)

The Littles had been put to bed for twenty minutes. All was peaceful and then…

T: (something that can’t be heard from downstairs)
E: Yes? (said sadly because he had just reclined for the evening)
T: (something barely audible)
E: What is the problem? (sadly climbing the stairs so he can actually hear)
T: I need you to come here for a second.
E: Why?
T: Remember when my butt was itching?
E: Yes (said in an effort to draw the conversation to a conclusion as quickly as possible)
T: My butt was itching.
E: Is your bottom (searching for a more pleasant word) itching now?
T: No. Remember a long, long time ago my booty was itching and it was because I had a mosquito bite.
E: Excellent.
(Silence as the two just look at each other)
E: Why are you telling me this now?
T: Because I wanted you to know.
V: (snickers)

Goodnight (July 21, 2016)

V: Papa, I love you, but don’t forget that I want waffles in the morning.
E: I know. I remember. You already told me.
V: I know, but sometimes I forget, so I wanted to make sure YOU remember.

Making A Statement (June 28, 2016)

T: Here’s a question: When we’re with Papa, Papa’s in charge. When we’re with Mama, Mama’s in charge.
V: You keep saying “question” but you are making a compliment.
E: She is making a statement.
V: Oh yeah, a statement. You are making a statement.
T: Yeah, a statement.
V: A question has “why” in it. Like “Why, Papa?” or “Do you have the earrings?”.
T: Here’s a statement: I hate the rain because it messes up my outfit.

Love (May 6, 2016)

T: Papa, you don’t love me anymore.
E: I love you, Sweetie.
V: He called you Sweetie.
T: Yeah, that’s good. But he said he doesn’t love me.
E: I did not say that.
T: Yes, you did.
E: No, what I said was “Stop whining.”
T: That’s what I’m talking about.
E: I love you so much that I don’t want you to grow up to be a whiner.
T: Oh.

Perfect Attendance (April 1, 2016)

If ever there was a question about the appropriate way to dress when you receive a perfect attendance award (also known as the “staying in the building once your parents have dropped you off for school award”), that question has been answered.

Red Beans and Rice (March 9, 2016)

V: Papa, what’s for dinner?
E: Food.
V: What kind of food?
E: The kind you eat.
V: Papa!!!
E: Red beans and rice.
V: I love red beans and rice.
T: What’s for breakfast?
E: Do you mean dinner?
T: Oh, yeah, what’s for dinner?
E: What did I say?
T: I love red beans and rice.
E: I know.
V: Red beans and rice is just like cake!
E: Are just like cake.
V: I always say, “Red beans and rice and cake are the same!”
E: How?
V: I love them both.
(small pause in the action)
V: Papa, my stomach hurts?
E: Why does your stomach hurt?
V: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
T: Papa, my stomach hurts, too.
E: Why?
T: Because it’s hungry for red beans and rice.
E: Good Lord.